Standing Up To The Challenge Of Our Rivals

To my seventeen billion daily subscribers, I say: Worry not! The Commodore and the Rockstarship continue on the intergalactic adventure, no matter what foibles befall me. As the Gospel according to Survivor indicates, it's the eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight, standing up to the challenge of our rivals, and the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night, and he's known to us all as the eye... of the tiger. Dun dun dun, dun dun dun, dun dun dunnnnnn. While my afternoon might have been dreary, after having a bit of lunch and heading off to work, things brightened. At work this week, we've been doing thank you calls, which are blissfully easy. Even though most alumni are usually excited to hear from us, even the grumpy ones like getting thanked. Who doesn't like getting thanked? "Another thank you from Macalester College? What a bunch of overly grateful pricks. I'm never giving again!" No, it never happens like that. In fact tonight, on a night when we are completely not asking for money, I got nearly $600 in donations. For the record, that's more than I've brought to the college ever. Except when I donated $30 million to name the MARC the Shivaun, but the check got lost in the mail.

Also work was particularly enjoyable because Elias was there. Elias is an international student from Greece. Everything he wears is designer made, including his socks. His calls to alumni make us all a little nervous that we might all be fired when Brian Rosenberg learns that alumni no longer give due to an overly confrontational Greek guy working at the annual fund. He is also the most ridiculous person I work with. Take the following transcript from this evening...

Elias: "My neighbor has been kidnapped."
Stephen: "Does that happen often in Greece?"
Elias: "No dumbass, it isn't Italy."
Hillary: "Wait, is this that one neighbor?"
Elias: "No! I'd actually be sad if it was her."
Me: "Why would you be sad to have one neighbor kidnapped but not the other?"
Elias: "Because... she's like my mom's best friend."
Hillary: "That's not the only reason."
Me and Stephen: "What?"
Elias: "Nevermind."
Me: "Okay, there has to be a reason. What, did you like, sleep with her?"
Elias: "Yeah."
Me and Stephen: "WHAT?!"
Hillary: "Oh, did he admit it?"
Me: "You slept with your mom's best friend?!"
Elias: "Yeah."
Me: "How old was she? Are we talking MILF?"
At this point, we all crack up and Zach our boss walks over. Granted, Zach is only like three years older than us, we quickly turn quiet.
Zach: "Hey guys, what's so funny?"
Elias: "My neighbor got kidnapped."
Zach: "Elias, you laugh at the most inappropriate things!"
Elias: "That's not why I'm laughing."
Zach: "Okay, how come then? Is it something I shouldn't know?"
Me: "We'll tell you when you're older."
Zach shrugs his shoulders and walks away. Stephen and I turn back to Elias.
Elias: "Well she was 33 then."
Me: "Then?"
Elias: "I was sixteen at the time."
We all start laughing incredulously.
Elias: "Hey, she gives me the best Christmas presents!"
Me: "Clearly, you gave her the best..."
Zach had walked over again at this point and we all go back to work.

If that wasn't enough, later on that night I'm working at my desk and I hear Elias talking to an alum. "What?! You're so incompetent you make me want to cry. This isn't a spelling bee!" He was trying to take down the business place of an alum that was called "Riesenow and Holstein Art Forgers" or something like that. Maybe if it was like "Nikodropolis and Anastos Uzo Brewers" it would have been easier for him to spell. However, one should not assume that just because Elias is amusing to me that I enjoy his company. His mannerisms towards others are equally applied to all, including myself. Today, he kept scoffing at the fact I was wearing white socks. I can understand him scoffing if I'd been wearing like a Miller Lite shirt with sweat and grease stains, but white socks? And they were clean even!

Also the stress of the day was slightly lightened when I discovered from the college that I stand to make about $450 in the next pay period because of the work I did for reunion. Yay! Still, I'm perpetually reluctant to spend money, even when I have it, and there's no word on what's up with my car. Maybe if I sacrifice some kind of urban woodland creature to the gods of automobiles and highway management. It's modified from an old Masai ritual intended to cure gout.

Q&KaBAM! Time

Gwyn DeVrees of Bloemfontein, South Africa writes...

Q: "Commodore, you've been quoting the titles to a number of 80s hits in your blog. I understood from your fifth autobiography that you mainly listened to classical music. What gives?"

KaBAM!: "Well Gwyn, being a commodore of a 747th century Rockstarship requires one to be well versed in the music of all cultures and throughout all times. While certainly, classical music is still my favorite genre of music, if I were to start using lyrics from say, the Messiah in my transmissions, my adventure journal would quickly take on a millenarian overtone with which I doubt I'd be comfortable. Likewise, even if I steered away from the religious realm of classical music, I'd either be infringing on famous poets like Shakespeare or making no sense at all. For instance, if I were to title a transmission "English Horn - C-C-D-E-C-C-Quarter Rest-C-A-C-D-D-C" or something like that, I'd lose subscribers across the board. And then the advertisers would bail, and the Rockstarship would cascade into oblivion like a declining red supergiant. Mostly, I just like listening to 80s music from time to time. A little variety is good for the mind and soul."

Walk a mile in another man's shoes, and not only are you a mile away, but you also have his shoes.