Aaaaaaaaand That's A Wrap!

It's not quite officially but almost officially the last night of summer. Technically, since sunset was further away than dawn now is... well, I don't know what that makes tonight. All I know is that tomorrow morning, I have to wake up for Macalester-related responsibilities for which I will not be paid. True, most of the summer was spent getting up A LOT earlier than 8AM (when I'm choosing to get up to give myself a leisurely amount of time to eat breakfast and do other chores) to fulfill Macalester-related responsibilities, but damnit I was getting paid for that. Now, I'm just a glorified volunteer.

Tomorrow, I get to start training to be an orientation leader. Training to be an orientation leader. Training. To be an orientation leader. I suppose there is a purpose to it, somewhere back in the deep recesses of the filing cabinet along with the folders that contain "Meanings to Obscure Fortune Cookie Fortunes" and "Decoding Euphemisms Parents Use To Keep Children Innocent A Little While Longer". Bear in mind, that filing cabinet is located at the back of a room filled with ages upon ages of Freudian clutter, half-truths and Vietnam-era slang. Furthermore, that room is located in a sunken ship somewhere at the bottom of a trench that can only be reached by very complex submarines and fish that have evolved without ever seeing sunlight. Place this metaphor in the context of itself, see if any of it make sense, and then hit yourself firmly but not too hard in the head with a hammer, and that's approximately my point. Better just to ignore that last paragraph.

It's not that I don't want to go through this training - it will go by like everything else goes by. One minute, I'm thinking to myself "How long is this going to take" and the next, it's over and it's already the next day. Or the next week. Or the next year. Or four years later. I suppose the main reason I'm writing all of this is because time has a way of going by at speeds I'm not exactly comfortable with. Oh time, you pernicious little bastard. A year ago to the day, I moved in with my host family in France. Almost four years ago, I started college. I've been out of Europe for over six months. College will be done in less than a year. What do I have to show for it?

Well, I have a lot to show for it. The vast majority I keep inside of my head - memories, ideas, thoughts. Some are expressed in intangible terms, like friendship. Others are more tangible, but still out of the material realm, such as what I've learned in four years (and over the course of more than $100,000 in education). Time weighs upon me like only one other thing that I can think of - dread. They go hand in hand. Not "End of the world" dread, or anything like that, but "What am I going to take away from this" dread. I'm not worried that I will take nothing away from college. That would be... well, nonsense. I have learned a lot. The thing is, and the dread stems from, "Could I have done more?" Of course I could have. Could have. The only comfort in attempting to answer that question is to respond with another question, "Should I have done more?"

I am approaching many deadlines that have been looming over my head for months and years. Will I do an honors paper? Will I take the GRE's? If so, which graduate schools should I apply to? When should I go? All of these questions make up the much bigger picture of "What should I do with my life?" One thing I have learned as time goes by is that no single event determines what you'll do for the rest of your life. And rightly so. One other thing I've learned as time goes by is that, for better or for worse, I'm the only person that can make the choices that affect my life. True, outside actors have sway here and there, but there are always ways around them and their actions if I really choose to avoid them. The bitch of it is, that leaves the onus of choice upon my shoulders alone.

I am beginning to suspect that the biggest source of dread I'm experiencing right now is not that tomorrow I have to go off to orientation training, but rather that in a week, a group of students will be entrusted into my brief but largely ineffectual care (I don't remember a damn thing my orientation leaders told me, after all). What's more is that some of those students will be filled with more promise and potential than myself, and that they will do more with their time than I did with mine. In short, I will be overshadowed. Everyone - from Obama on down - gets overshadowed. It's part of life that someone else will likely be better at something than you are. That's not important though. Well, okay, it is important, but not THAT important. What's more important is that I do what is best for me. And y'know what, I'm not always going to be able to make that choice correctly. Maybe I did squander my time at Mac. Most likely I didn't. Happily, my list of regrets is shorter than my list of accomplishments.

More happily yet is that there is still one more year. And I'm beginning to realize that this upcoming year is less about worrying over all the things I've never done. It's more about finishing the things I've started, and beginning new ones. Tomorrow is just tomorrow. Or some other crazy crap like that.

Done With Work, Sadly Also Done With Summer

For the entire summer, with the exception of a week in June, I've been working as a carpenter's assistant for Mac. This involves me working 7-4:30 Mondays through Thursdays. That has meant being up by at least 6:45 every morning. I don't EVER wake up that early. Even if the house was on fire, I'd carefully weigh my options to see if I could escape with an extra few minutes of sleep, even if it meant suffering minor burns. Ok, not really. But it'd be pretty easy to escape from my burning house.

I solemnly vow never again to work at a job that requires me to exert physical effort at hours of the day when I, by all rights, should still be asleep for at least another 2-5 hours. I've told myself that if I ever have to take even an 8:30 class - even if it were required for my major - I would drop the major, and not take the class. Rest is the most important part of being. That, and working for almost 10 hours a day takes up... a lot of time. I would get home from work, and the first hour would be spent pretty much trying to recuperate. If it was not a very difficult day, I would be able to do things - like the dishes, or my laundry. If I was worn out, or if I had been up late the night before, I basically didn't do anything for the rest of the day. Being a slave to money is, honestly, being a slave to money.

Now, however, I have the wonderful opportunity to blow that cash. I'm going to Cedar Point, Ohio for two days with friends from high school. It is the oldest and one of the largest amusement parks in the country, and boasts some of the largest and most fun roller coasters in the world. I am excited. Alas though, it is mid-August, and I will soon have to return to college. My wasteful days of summer will soon be replaced by my wasteful days of fall, and then winter. In the spring, I will graduate, and in the summer, I will once again have to search for and engage in gainful employment. Alas. As Jack Weatherford once told me, "95% of people work for someone else. Those people are probably less happy than they would be working for themselves. Working for someone else is a form of debt, and you should never be in debt. Never have a credit card, pay off your mortgage early, and buy on the cheap." I'm not sure if I believe his facts, but the statement is a sound one. How many songs have been written in the basic formula of work + more work = suck? Lots, is the answer.

So, I now pledge to you - whoever you are, and really it's just my family who reads this - that for the remaining days of summer I shall be productive, and interesting, and do neat and fun things! Provided the humidity stays down and the temperature doesn't exceed 90F. That will shut me down.