Aaaaaaaaand That's A Wrap!

It's not quite officially but almost officially the last night of summer. Technically, since sunset was further away than dawn now is... well, I don't know what that makes tonight. All I know is that tomorrow morning, I have to wake up for Macalester-related responsibilities for which I will not be paid. True, most of the summer was spent getting up A LOT earlier than 8AM (when I'm choosing to get up to give myself a leisurely amount of time to eat breakfast and do other chores) to fulfill Macalester-related responsibilities, but damnit I was getting paid for that. Now, I'm just a glorified volunteer.

Tomorrow, I get to start training to be an orientation leader. Training to be an orientation leader. Training. To be an orientation leader. I suppose there is a purpose to it, somewhere back in the deep recesses of the filing cabinet along with the folders that contain "Meanings to Obscure Fortune Cookie Fortunes" and "Decoding Euphemisms Parents Use To Keep Children Innocent A Little While Longer". Bear in mind, that filing cabinet is located at the back of a room filled with ages upon ages of Freudian clutter, half-truths and Vietnam-era slang. Furthermore, that room is located in a sunken ship somewhere at the bottom of a trench that can only be reached by very complex submarines and fish that have evolved without ever seeing sunlight. Place this metaphor in the context of itself, see if any of it make sense, and then hit yourself firmly but not too hard in the head with a hammer, and that's approximately my point. Better just to ignore that last paragraph.

It's not that I don't want to go through this training - it will go by like everything else goes by. One minute, I'm thinking to myself "How long is this going to take" and the next, it's over and it's already the next day. Or the next week. Or the next year. Or four years later. I suppose the main reason I'm writing all of this is because time has a way of going by at speeds I'm not exactly comfortable with. Oh time, you pernicious little bastard. A year ago to the day, I moved in with my host family in France. Almost four years ago, I started college. I've been out of Europe for over six months. College will be done in less than a year. What do I have to show for it?

Well, I have a lot to show for it. The vast majority I keep inside of my head - memories, ideas, thoughts. Some are expressed in intangible terms, like friendship. Others are more tangible, but still out of the material realm, such as what I've learned in four years (and over the course of more than $100,000 in education). Time weighs upon me like only one other thing that I can think of - dread. They go hand in hand. Not "End of the world" dread, or anything like that, but "What am I going to take away from this" dread. I'm not worried that I will take nothing away from college. That would be... well, nonsense. I have learned a lot. The thing is, and the dread stems from, "Could I have done more?" Of course I could have. Could have. The only comfort in attempting to answer that question is to respond with another question, "Should I have done more?"

I am approaching many deadlines that have been looming over my head for months and years. Will I do an honors paper? Will I take the GRE's? If so, which graduate schools should I apply to? When should I go? All of these questions make up the much bigger picture of "What should I do with my life?" One thing I have learned as time goes by is that no single event determines what you'll do for the rest of your life. And rightly so. One other thing I've learned as time goes by is that, for better or for worse, I'm the only person that can make the choices that affect my life. True, outside actors have sway here and there, but there are always ways around them and their actions if I really choose to avoid them. The bitch of it is, that leaves the onus of choice upon my shoulders alone.

I am beginning to suspect that the biggest source of dread I'm experiencing right now is not that tomorrow I have to go off to orientation training, but rather that in a week, a group of students will be entrusted into my brief but largely ineffectual care (I don't remember a damn thing my orientation leaders told me, after all). What's more is that some of those students will be filled with more promise and potential than myself, and that they will do more with their time than I did with mine. In short, I will be overshadowed. Everyone - from Obama on down - gets overshadowed. It's part of life that someone else will likely be better at something than you are. That's not important though. Well, okay, it is important, but not THAT important. What's more important is that I do what is best for me. And y'know what, I'm not always going to be able to make that choice correctly. Maybe I did squander my time at Mac. Most likely I didn't. Happily, my list of regrets is shorter than my list of accomplishments.

More happily yet is that there is still one more year. And I'm beginning to realize that this upcoming year is less about worrying over all the things I've never done. It's more about finishing the things I've started, and beginning new ones. Tomorrow is just tomorrow. Or some other crazy crap like that.